Ed Christ
by THEUNSTOPABLE
Summary: One day after a scam goes wrong (what else is new?) A bunch of Christians after seeing Ed's talent of not feeling any pain (seen frequency on the show) They consider him the second coming of jesus and decide to use him to convert more people. Edd tries to stop them by using logic. Meanwhile Eddy stays behind to try to have a scam that won't fail since Ed is gone and won't screw up!
1. When life hands you Ed you make a cult

**I don't own Ed Edd n Eddy it belongs to cartoon network. More specifically AKA CARTOON!**

**Update 1 : Fixed a few ****punctuation and grammar mistakes. Let me know of any others. I also tweaked a few sentences to make them flow better and changed a few dialog for Edd since in hindsight and from a review they make him seem out of character. I want the characters to be like they were on the show. Let me know how i did.**

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It was a bright Sunny summer day in the cul-if-sac! The streets were empty expect for a small lemonade stand that was left unattended. On the stand was a few lemons that didn't look ripe yet. In fact they were green and one could confuse them as large limes. Behind the stand was an ice chest with water running down from the outside, most likely from condensation of the melting ice from inside. On top of the ice chest was a small old book that read "How to make cheap ass lemonade and make some cheap ass money." on the cover. There was a large gust of wind that blew the book form the ice chest and eventually opening the cooler as well. Inside was a small pool of water with only a couple of ice cubes floating in it, slowly melting.

"Eddy we already did this thing in one of our early episodes!" said a voice approaching the stand.

"That was an energy drink. besides just because we did something before doesn't mean we can't do it again." Said another voice also approaching the lemonade stand!

"I am hungry again Eddy." said a third voice.

"Don't screw things up again Ed. You are always screwing things up you jack ass."

"I won't this time Eddy I swear! I will just pet my chicken!" said Ed.

You know what you go stand right here and Edd and I will take care of everything." said Eddy pulling out a cigar.

"Eddy cigars are unhealthy!" said Edd looking at Eddy in great disgust.

"Look sock-head due to standards I couldn't on the show but now here i am free. Besides the way we look makes one think that we could pull one out at any time. The art style made the show seem more mature for its audience and we even managed to sneak a few adult themes as well!" said Eddy

"Well it's still unhealthy!" said Edd.

"Just shut up and get to work!" yelled Eddy lighting the cigar!

Ed was near a large tree playing with the chicken!

"I love chickens!" said Ed

Ed decided to dig a hole under the tree to hide the chicken in case Rolf came by!

"Dig a hole dig a hole!" yelled Ed happily!

Ed dig the hole too big causing the tree to tip over and fall on the lemonade stand!

"Ed!" yelled Eddy running towards him.

"You screwed it up again!" Eddy yelled!

"Sorry Eddy my chicken wanted to hide!" said Ed grabbing his chicken to hug it.

"You and your stupid faggot ass chickens!" Eddy yelled!

"Eddy don't you think you are being too hard on Ed!" said Edd

"Sock head he always screws things up. If it wasn't for him we would have enough money to fuck anybody we want!" yelled Eddy angrilly.

"Justin Bieber!" yelled Ed dreamily.

"Keep dreaming you big lump!" yelled Eddy.

Ed ran to the tree and lifted it up and put it back in its place.

"See Eddy i am cleaning up!" said Ed with hope.

"Alright sock head cover the tree with dirt and let's hope no one notices." said Eddy pulling out a lawn chair to rest!

"Alright!" said Edd angry at the fact Eddy isn't helping once again!

Eddy continued to lye down and eventually fell asleep causing him to throw his cigar. The cigar landed near the tree that destroyed the lemonade stand and a huge fire began to appear.

"Eddy get up you caused a fire!" Yelled Edd.

"What the fuck do you want sock head!" yelled Eddy angrily.

"There is a fire!" yelled Edd.

Suddenly a tour bus appeared and a group of people appeared out of it.

"Hello we are from the Peach Creek local church and we would like to-

Ed saw the fire and jumped on it.

"I love fire!" yelled Ed!

Ed began playing with the fire without felling any pain. Eventually the fire went out!

"That kid did something impossible he was in fire without getting burned!" said one of the church goers.

"It's the second coming of Jesus!" yelled another church goer.

"Come on don't be ridiculous!" yelled Edd.

"What are you talking about my son!" asked the pastor of the church goers.

"There is no god!" yelled Edd on the top of his lungs!

"No god! my son don't say that. You will go to hell!" said the pastor.

"Really pascal's wager! How do you know your religion is the right one? There are tons of religions. You could be wrong or even all the religions could be wrong. We can't be sure so we all are taking a chance at either heaven or hell!" said Edd.

"Ummm." said the pastor.

"You guys are nothing more than a cult scaring millions into accepting you imaginary friend to scare and control them!" Edd said.

"Come now son. I will pray for you!" said the pastor.

"Fine go ahead and waste your time!" Edd said angrily.

"What do you mean my son!" asked the pastor.

"God is all-powerful so everything he wants to will happen no matter what and things he doesn't want to do will never happen no matter what. So praying for something god wants to do is pointless because it will happen anyway and praying for something god doesn't want is also pointless because it will never happen!" Edd explained.

"My son...

"I will admit it's weird Ed was able to do that but at the same time i still don't see any prove for god!" said Edd.

"My son the bible-

"The bible isn't evidence it's the claim!" said Edd.

"Look son you just have to believe."

"No! believe is a substitute for the truth. No matter what the truth is always the truth. You don't need to have faith for the truth to be true!" said Edd.

"Look son I am tolerate of atheists but i can't help but feel bad for you!" said the pastor.

"Which is why you guys impose your religion down our throats. Which is why you guys complain about prayer being taking out of school, let's forget about it being pointless for a second. When you are free to do it on your own during moments of silence. No you rather do it in a group no matter what. We atheists are a small group compared to you Christians and it's about time we fight back." said Edd.

"My son we...

"Just get out of here!" yelled Edd angrily.

"Son not all Christians are-

"I know did I say all. I was talking about the ones that impose religion on to others who don't feel the same and the ones who use stupid arguments we atheists have refuted time and time again." said Edd.

"Look kid we are taking your friend and doing some tests to see if he is the real deal." said the pastor.

"That would be kidnapping." Edd said.

"You could be right but I will make a few calls!" said the pastor.

"What are-

"Son I have more power than you think all i have to do is call a few lawyer friends who happen to know the chief of police and i can do anything!" said the pastor.

"You wouldn't-

"Son I would do anything to convince everyone to follow my religion!" said the pastor.

"I will-

"Son you may have good arguments but that will do nothing against my demonstrations!" said the pastor.

The church goers lifted Ed up and threw him in the bus.

"Oh and son, good luck you'll need it" Said the pastor getting on the bus.

The bus left leaving Edd and Eddy alone.

"Finally he is gone. Now we can't fail." Eddy said happily.

"You are going have to do it on your own. I have to stop them." Said Edd running off.

"Fine. I will play with my self. I love playing with my self." said Eddy angrily.

It took Eddy only a few seconds to realize the different meaning in what he just said.

"Oh now I get that joke." said Eddy laughing.

Eddy ran to his garage and got plently of tools.

"At least Edd left instructions that happen to be in Japanese! It's not even his primary language!" said Eddy in confusion.

Eddy looked at the pictures and realize it was child's play.

"Oh it is easy!" said Eddy happily.

Eddy began repairing the lemonade stand ready for his first scam that won't go wrong!

**Not a bad chapter! What will happen next? Will Eddy have a scam that doesn't fail? Will Edd rescue Ed. Will the church goers convert more people? Is Ed really the second coming of Jesus. Find out next time!**


	2. The illogical god

**Welcome to the next chapter of Ed Christ. Now let me start off by saying I have nothing against Christianity. I just don't like Christians who impose their religion on to people who just don't believe and with good reason. In case anyone is wondering I am an agnostic atheist. That means I admit I don't know god exists or not but I don't believe in him due to lack of evidence he exists. Now let's get started.**

**I don't own Ed Edd N Eddy. It's owned by cartoon network or more specially AKA cartoon. I don't own any of the character either except the ones I make up in this.**

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Eddy was almost finished with the repairs on the lemonade stand.

"Insert part a into slot 1." Said Eddy.

Eddy inserted the part into the slot.

"That's something Edd would say and I would follow with that's what she said." Said Eddy.

Eddy inserted the rest of the parts into the slots.

"Done with the legs and they should be extra sturdy now." Said Eddy.

Eddy walked to the ice chest and saw to his horror the ice has melted.

"Ed must have left the ice here where it will melt. Great even without being here he still screwed everything up!" Said Eddy to his horror.

Eddy kicked the ice chest in anger!

"I don't know what to do!" Yelled Eddy with his anger rising.

Eddy imagined Edd coming up with an easy solution and couldn't believe how simple it was.

"Duh go home and get more ice." Eddy said calming down a bit.

Eddy ran home to get ice, determined to finally make some money.

* * *

Ed was fast asleep in the back of the bus. There were a few posters above him on the ceiling of the bus! One of them showed Jesus surrounded by a heart with the words "Jesus loves you". Another showed a married couple holding hands with the words "save it for marriage"! The last one showed Adam and Eve in front of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil with the words "you're all sinners, repent now".

"Soon we will finally convert the rest of the world into the one true religion." Said the pastor.

"Sir are you sure he truly..."

"Are you doubting the lord?" Asked the pastor

"No sir. Of course not!"

"Good! Now we just need to show off more talents and we are guaranteed to convert everyone!" Said the pastor.

"Soon everyone will believe in the omniscience, perfectly good,omnipotence, and omnipresence god." Said the pastor.

"What about that kid." Asked one of the Christians

"No worries I am sure we lost him." Said the pastor.

The pastor couldn't have been more wrong. Edd was a member of a secret atheist alliance that works hard to fight back against Christians using logic and reasoning. Edd using a favor was able to get a ride. Edd was working on his argument on why the Christian god logically can't exist.

"Okay so the christian god has a few major paradoxes that make his existence illogical!" Said Edd to the atheist driver.

"How so?" asked the other atheist.

"I will show you when in front of the Christians when I expose their phony god using logic." Said Edd smiling at the thought of using his new argument.

The atheist driver managed to find the christian bus after a few minutes.

"Good when they stop I will unleashed the power of logic." said Edd.

"I will try to pick up some christian girls." Said the driver.

"Dude you are going for the other side." Said Edd

"I know but i can't help it! I get so lonely and horny!" Said the driver.

"Well i guess it's your life anyway." Said Edd.

The pastor was getting ready to start his demonstration and introduction to god.

"Let's start by introducing the concept of our god." Said the pastor.

"Good idea. We might want to explain how our god is different to convert anyone." Said the Christians.

* * *

Eddy got the ice and made sure to place a cooler in a spot where the ice won't melt as quickly.

"Now for the sign." Said Eddy.

Eddy grabbed the sign but was too short to place the sign on top.

"God damn it all." Yelled Eddy on the top of his lungs.

Eddy kicked the sign all across the lawn.

"I haven't been this upset since that day Edd invented me those elevator boots." Said Eddy angrily.

That is when Eddy got the idea to use the elevator boots to put the sign up. Eddy ran to Edd's house and managed to find them in his closet.

"For once Edd being a neat freak really paid off for me." Said Eddy.

Eddy tried on the elevator boots but they simply only raised a few inches and shrank back to normal.

"Why does this shit keep happening to me." Yelled Eddy angrily.

Eddy got a screw driver from a toolbox by Edd's supply of pencil cases and soon discovered a gear was rusty.

"Edd forgot to get some new gears when he repaired these." Eddy said grabbing some fresh new gears.

Eddy replaced the gears and was able to fix the boots. Finally Eddy managed to put the sign back up.

"You know it was fun to actually solve problems on my own for once." Eddy said smiling at his success.

* * *

The Christians have arrived into a large city with at least a million people. The city had tall skyscrapers as far as the eye could see. Most of the community was not christian. The pastor grabbed a microphone and began to speak.

"Hello I am the pastor of the Peach Creek church and I would like to share a few words of our god. God is an omniscience, omnibenevolence, omnipotence, omnipresence being. He created us with free will and he has a grand plan for all of his. His plan is very complex but..."

"Wait you said he has a plan?" Said somebody in the crowd.

"Yes." Said the pastor.

"But he also gave us free will?" Said the same person in the crowd

"Yes." Said the pastor.

"Don't you see how that doesn't make sense. How can he have a plan that will play out how he wants it when everyone has free will? That is like playing a game of chest when the pieces have free will. You can't make an exact plan when the pieces could move however they want on their own account." Said the guy in the crowd

"God is also omnipotence meaning he is all-powerful so he can..."

"It's impossible to be omnipotence. For if god is all-powerful he can limit himself yet if he limits himself he is not all-powerful. For example, can god make a rock that even he can't lift? If so god is not all-powerful since he can't lift the rock he just made. If not then god is still not all-powerful since he can't make an object not even he can lift." The guy in the crowd explained.

"Okay god is not all-powerful and another thing he can't interfere with is free will." Said the pastor.

"Did you even read the bible. Exodus is a perfect example of god interfering with free will. Here i will even give a few passages that proves it.

Exodus 4:21- The Lord said to Moses, "When you return to Egypt, see that you perform before Pharaoh all the wonders I have given you the power to do. But I will harden his heart so that he will not let the people go.

Exodus 7:3- But I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and though I multiply my signs and wonders in Egypt,

Exodus 9:12- But the Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart and he would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the Lord had said to Moses.

I think i made my point." The man in the crowd said.

"Yes well but god chooses not to most of the time." Said the pastor.

"Yes it almost as if he isn't real." Said the man.

"Don't push it! Look god is all-knowing so he must have known a good reason to do it." Said the pastor.

"There could be something god doesn't know he doesn't know and he wouldn't know about it if there were." Said The man.

"I don't understand what you are saying my son." Said the pastor.

"I know it's complex. Let me break it down. There are things you know you know. For example 2+2 is 4."

"Yes I am following you." said the pastor

"There are also things you know you know you don't know. For example i know i don't know your age."

"Yes I understand you." Said the pastor.

"There could also be things you don't know you don't know. and you can't know if they are real or not even if they exist. So god can't know all since there could be knowledge he doesn't know he doesn't know and since he knows that he can't know if there is stuff he doesn't know he doesn't know, he isn't all-knowing." said the man

The pastor thought about it for a minute.

"I think i understand you son. But don't think like that you are doing dangerous thinking." Said the pastor.

"Look the idea of god can logically be shown as ridiculous." Said the man.

"My son god is perfectly good he doesn't deserve all this hatred." Said the pastor.

"If he is perfectly good them why does he allow bad things to happen especially to good people?' Asked the man in the crowd.

"He has a plan..."

"I already refuted that." Said the man.

"Look son I have lost all patient and i am sick and tired of your nonsense." Said the pastor.

The man walked closer to the pastor revealing himself to be Edd.

"You again?" Said the pastor.

"Yes and I have shown with logic the idea of your god can't exist." Said Edd smiling.

"No you see the reason God exists despite the logical problems with his descriptions is because he is supernatural." said the pastor.

"What does that even mean." asked Edd.

"The supernatural can't be measured or tested in any way and it also explains away all problems that seem to disprove god. He works in mysterious ways and his designs are too mysterious for us humans to understand or comprehend him." said the pastor.

"the supernatural explains nothing and it's also made up to try to explain away the paradoxes of your so-called god." Said Edd

"My son all you need is faith." Said the pastor.

The rest of the crowd grabbed some rotten tomatoes from a local food cart.

"Oh good my new followers are going to teach you a lesson you little brat." Said the pastor.

The crowd began to aim their shots.

"Fire away." Said the pastor.

The crowd fired and all the shots managed to hit the pastor completely covering him in tomatoes.

"Fine be that way. I will be back and i will figure out a way to make you guys believe." Said the pastor.

"Sir what about the..."

"No time they wouldn't want to see it and give me a shot to prove it anyway." Said the pastor.

"Not so fast released my friend." Said Edd.

"No way kid he is mine now." Said the pastor giving Edd an evil stare.

"You can-

The pastor knocked Edd out with a quick punch in the face and the crowd began to zoom it on him.

"Fine! I am leaving you rotten sinners." Said the pastor with extreme anger.

The atheist driver grabbed Edd, took him in the car, and drove after the christian bus!

* * *

**What will happen next. Will the pastor be able to convert more people or will Edd continue to stop him. Will Eddy manage to sell lemonade. Will Ed escape from the Christians. Will the pastor actually have an argument Edd can't refute. Find out next time.**

**Also if you don't understand the argument i used against god's ability to know all visit the link posted on my profile. Also for the bible quotes i used just used the other link and look up Exodus. Have a nice day!**


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